Hmm...

This car is named "Smart" but I bet you'd look pretty stupid driving it. It's like the Le Car of the new millenium. I have something quiet similar to this in my garage at home. It's called "Bike" ;)

Chopstick Master

I have become somewhat of a chopstick master, not by choice but necessity. Chopsticks always seemed like a novelty to me. Pick up a few pieces of Kung Pow chicken, get sick of dropping stuff and move back to the good 'ole fork. I don't know who invented chopsticks but I imagine somebody did it as a joke and it stuck. Kind of a pop culture phenomenon of the 7th century type thing.

Last night I was so exhausted and sick of eating fishies that I left the office around 8:30pm and went to the hotel to crash. On the way, I stopped at 7-11 and picked up Koala Yummies (remember those?), a Diet Coke (no caffeine free!), an ice cream bar and pringles.

The ice cream bar and the Koala Yummies were delicious. But the Pringles and Diet Coke; not so good. The Pringles tasted awful and the Diet Coke was an imposter. Kind of a mixture of Pepsi and Kung Pow Chicken...

Speaking of the Hotel, the maid did something to my thermostat and I almost froze to death. Darn Celsius. I couldn't figure out what temperature would be comfortable so I just sat at the computer, teeth chattering while Jenny and Tim kept me up until 2am. ;) 

Stupid Observations are Stupid

I have had VERY little sleep so I thought it would be a good time to make some stupid obser- vations. As if all of my observations aren't stupid...

1. Japan has the loudest crickets in the world.

2. There is no such thing as "decaf" *anything* here.

3. Those darn Oompaloompas are impervious to modern technology. I have taken no less than ten photos of one of them and none have turned out. Hmmm.

4. Even if I spoke Japanese, I think this place would confuse me (see picture) :)

5. I hate fish

6. Did I mention I hate fish?

7. I really hate the smell of fish

8. I hate myself because I think I smell like fish

9. I hate 7-Eleven because it smells like fish

10. In America, you can go to 7-Eleven and stuff your face on week old hot dogs, taquitos and drink 64 oz. Slurpees. In Japan you can go to 7-Eleven and buy fish, Sushi and drink super caffeinated drinks.

Watch Your Step!

 

Nigerians, Dancing and Masseuses - No Thanks!

Last night I went to a district called Roppongi. This area is close to the Tokyo Tower, which is a red and white knock off of the Eiffel Tower. Roppongi is supposed to be the area where westerners hang out, though I only noticed a handful of westerners walking around. It also seems to have one of the most active night lives in all of Tokyo.

Tokyo is a crazy place. The Roppongi district consists of dozens and dozens of blocks of bars, restaurants and coffee shops. Each building is around eight stories tall and each story contains a different bar or restaurant. One building might have eight signs trying to lure you in: Sushi, Sushi, Dance Club, “Gentlemen’s Club” (more on that later), Sushi, Sushi and so on. ;)

As you walk around this district you are constantly approached by friendly Nigerian men trying to give you free passes to the club they work for. They are very friendly but don’t like to take no for an answer.

You’d think the best way to get rid of them would be to ignore them. Unfortunately, they follow you. One guy asked if I was looking for pretty ladies. I said “no thanks”. He then asked if I would like to sit and have drinks with pretty ladies. I said “no thanks”. I started walking faster but he kept up the pace. “Do you want to dance with pretty girls?”. Ha! Double “NO THANKS” (neither I nor the pretty ladies would want to deal with that). He finally stopped me and asked “What do you want then?” in a sign of defeat. “A Starbucks” I answered. This confused him completely. USA 1 - Nigeria 0. ;) I did have to double-back to get my Starbucks but I made sure to wave and raise my itty bitty Mocha in salute as I walked past him on the way back.

One thing as popular in Roppongi as Sushi and Gentlemen’s Clubs are Chinese foot massage stands. They consist of a candle, a table and chair and a big sign of a foot with a map of all of the different pressure points that will cure what ails you.

As I was waiting for the light to change at an intersection and enjoying my victory Starbucks, a cute little Japanese girl (well, lady- she was small in stature, not a child) approached me and said something in Japanese. I told her I didn’t speak Japanese and she told me I was lying (she thought I was Japanese). I guess I fit into this dark haired culture pretty well. After my country of origin was fully established she circled back to her original reason for approaching me: a massage. 3000 Yen (about $30).

Slightly confused, I asked “a foot massage?” even though I was not the least bit interested in having my feet rubbed by some stranger on a busy street. She answered “Everything…” nudging me and giving me the “you know what I’m saying” look. Aww crap! After shaking off the Nigerians I now have a 4 foot 2 prostitute looking to make a quick $30 from some freewheeling American. And to make matters worse, I am stuck at the longest stop light in the world.

I answered “no thanks” but she thought she had a fish on the line. She kept hounding me to “check it out. My place is right there (of course it had to be in the direction I was going). “No thanks”. “You will like it!”. “No thanks!”. “Front and back!”. “NO THANKS!”. The light turned green and this persistent little she-devil actually attempted to push me in the direction of her unmarked “massage therapy center”. Acting on instinct I pulled this quick two-step move that even Amy would have admired and got around her- just in time to hit another Don’t Walk sign on the next corner. Damn it! Luckily the tenth “no” answer sent her looking for greener pastures. It was creepy, funny and weird all at the same time. I pondered whether V.D. could be transmitted by air and quickly scooted away once the light turned green.

Three things I learned last night:

1. If ever approached by a smooth talking sales guy, confuse them with coffee.

2. While massages are very common in Japan (they even offer harmless in-room Shiatsu massages at my hotel), if you ever have to ask “What kind?” you probably don’t want to know.

3. Nigerians rule the sex trade in Japan (I looked it up). They also come from a country that is an untapped market for the forex industry. ;)

Give Me the Lottery Instead

Ok, ok. I take the whole Typhoon trifecta thing back. Shortly after being a wise-ass in this blog Tokyo was "ROCKED" by a 6.5 Earthquake. Let's just forget about the whole Tsunami thing please...

Actually, I thought somebody was kicking my chair until Toshi stopped me from yacking and said "do you feel that?". Pissed off because I thought someone was about to knock me over I said "YEEAHHH!". It lasted approximately 15 seconds we were in some little heap of a building that should have come down in a pile of concrete and rebar. At least I would have had Saki in one hand and a fried Japanese Kabob in the other. ;)

Needless to say I have now checked something else off my list of things I want to experience (like the time I fell off an expressway overpass). I wonder if CNN or Fox News is calling it the "Shakedown of 2005" or "Earthquake: Reloaded". These blogs are like the magic 8-ball when it comes to predicting the future. Pure Evil!

I'm just glad I wasn't playing Pachinko at the time. I could have scattered those darn balls all over the place. Do you think CNN would have called that story "Man Loses Balls" or maybe "Balls of Steel: Shaken AND Stirred"? Where is that Anderson Cooper guy when you need him most?

My Bed is a Matchbox!

I feel like Tom Thumb. My bed is approx- imately 3 feet by 5 feet and doesn't sit very high off the ground. To demonstrate, I took my size 10 1/2 shoe and propped it up against the bed. It is SMALL and as hard as a piece of plywood. To make matters worse, I think the pillow is actually a twenty pound bag of kitty litter with a pillow cover over it. It is hard, weighs *WAY* more than any pillow should, and you can feel the course pieces of litter as you squeeze the pillow.

All I know is that if a spontaneous pillow fight breaks out, I'm kicking ass and taking names! :P

Typhoon Joe

The weather here is pretty cruddy. Japan is currently being swatted by the tail-end of Typhoon Kirogi (it means #20). It is by no means Hurricane Katrina, but it does make Tokyo seem rather drab and dreary, a lot like Grand Rapids :). I'm hoping for at least one day of sunshine during my stay. At the very least, it better not delay my plane trip back and turn it into a 32 hour flight (instead of 31 ;). It is kind of cool to say I'm in a typhoon though. Add an earthquake and a tsunami and it would make a perfect summer blockbuster. Or the new FOX special "When Mother Earth Attacks!"

I was in a meeting today negotiating advertising rates. I was the only one who couldn't speak Japanese. I'll let you listen in on the conversation:

ME: "Is this a Cost-per-click campaign?"
THEM: [Insert 5 minute answer in japanese with everyone talking and laughing]
ME: "What did they say?"
THEM: [In english] "Yes."

The japanese guys are really cool though. They don't get my slang, and I did have to explain what the word "ass" meant (as in "kick their ass"). They also did not understand when I asked "What the heck is that bird squaking outside the window?" (with me flapping my arms to indicate bird), but all in all it is going very well.

Speaking of birds, I talked to a bird today and fed him part of my chocolate chunk scone (he ate it right out of my hand). I'm glad I speak bird because he had a really dumb look on his beak when I started speaking in English. His name was Bernie, or at least that is what I thought he said his name was. Speaking of dumb looks, you should have seen me try to ask for an alarm clock at the front desk last night. It was like a game of Guesstures gone totally wrong. :)

They are taking me to play Pachinko tonight. Saki and Pachinko. Somebody call the U.S. Embassy!

Me so crazy!

So I made it to Tokyo. Hurray. The first stop was customs. A bit of a surreal experience. There were 10-12 lines of people all waiting to be interrogated and searched. As I was watching I noticed that a lot of japanese men had "duty free" bags. I guess the gist of duty free is to get stuff on the cheap without paying import and other assorted taxes. The duty free bags are all see through so people can't hide stuff (which is stupid because they rummage through it anyway).

As I watched I noticed a common theme: Cigarettes and porn. Honestly, every man in line had to pull out their newly bought porn mag and have it inspected. The customs agent would have to cut open the "For your eyes only" cellophane and flip through the magazine looking for contraband. I'm sure they hate that part of the job. ;)

When it was my turn for interrogation, she pointed at a bunch of pictures and asked if I had any of the items in the pictures. One was of a Kalishnikov. Darn, I forgot mine at home. ;) Now that I think about it, one of the pictures was a cartoon Pokemon-esque nudey magazine. Must be some law in Japan where all deviancy needs to originate in the country.

The only thing that she was suspicious of was this residue all over my clothes. I think Evan must have snuck a potato chip into my suitcase and as you know, some shifting does occur during flight. I couldn't explain it so I just shrugged and threw up my hands. Thankfully she let me go. Thanks Evan for almost sending me to the interrogation room! :) What happens in the interrogation room *definitely* stays in the interrogation room.

Public officials here have the funniest outfits over here. The customs agent was wearing this *bright* sky blue uniform with a hat. She looked JUST like one of the flight attendants in the movie "Catch Me if You Can". Last night, there was a construction worker wearing a bright purple jumpsuit with really wide white reflective suspenders and a yellow helmet. The suspenders were lined with blinking red LEDs! It is the closest I have ever come to a real live Oompa Loompa. Back home construction workers are macho guys with big Caterpillar backhoes. In Japan, they wear purple jumpsuits and drive tiny purple backhoes (honest, the backhoe was purple). I tried to get a picture but at night, the camera didn't do the whole scene justice.

Pachinko is huge in Japan. I am familiar with this game because as a kid, one of our neighbors had an illegal Pachinko operation running in his basement. :) We were never "allowed" to touch them, but we did anyway! For those unfamiliar (and I still don't quite get it), Pachinko looks like a mix between a vertical pinball machine and "Plinko" from the Price is Right. When you win, it spits out little metal balls. Thousands of little metal balls in buckets. I can only imagine the mess it makes when someone drops a bucket of shiny metal balls. I don't know what each ball represents, 1 yen, 10 yen? I will find out more when Antonio picks me up today.

I ventured out into Akasaka last night, which I guess would be considered a neighborhood or district. Lots of night life, TONS of Pachinko parlors. Sushi bars every five feet (though the restaurants each sat a max. of 25 people). All in all it was very surreal. Nobody makes eye contact (another thing I need to ask Antonio about), and everybody is extremely drunk at 8:00pm. Harmless, but wasted.

I ordered my first Starbucks in Japan last night. Luckily, they know what a Mocha is, but I didn't throw my usual "Venti decaf non-fat no whip mocha" order at them. Their Venti is smaller than our Grande. I need to order two next time!

One last thought before I take a shower and put a towel over P1P2's green eyes: It is very homogenous here. VERY homogenous. If I were blond I would feel like a freak of nature. I think I fit in here because I have dark hair and look like Ash from Pokemon. :)

Until next time... 

P1P2

This is P1P2, my toilet. I gave him a name. Jenny didn't realize that he lives with me. He doesn't talk much but he blinks at me with those green eyes of his. He kind of freaks me out, I think he is watching me, waiting to rob me blind in my sleep. He's smarter than you would think. ;)

Assmaster 3000

I'm not much for toilet jokes, but how can you not laugh about this? Check out the pictograms :) The toilet has blinky lights and this "command center" mounted to the wall. It is scary!

Report from the Air Part 3

Wow it is late (or early afternoon depending on how you look at it). The cabin is completely dark and I’d say 85% of the people are sleeping. There is a large man one row behind me that has been snoring non-stop for four hours. I wish I could sleep for four hours! Actually, I hear snoring all over the cabin. It is pretty comical. Nobody is talking in their sleep as far as I can tell but I’m sure someone will yell “the British are coming” soon.

We are two hours outside of Tokyo. It looks like we are about to start flying over the northern islands of Japan. From the air, Siberia looked exactly how I would have imagined it. Ice and penguins. Ok, I couldn’t see any penguins but I know those sneaky little bastards were down there somewhere. ;)

The seats have a massaging lumbar support. It works great on my back, but I fell asleep and turned on my side. I awoke to what felt like someone rubbing my belly. Let’s just say I was sufficiently freaked out.

I found out an interesting fact in the book I am reading. A woman cannot get pregnant from kissing a man while wearing a wet bathing suit. This was the old wives’ tale I was trying to think of, but I somehow through a tractor into the mix in my version. J

I stopped watching movies. No Sisterhood of the Traveling pants for me. My return flight actually has some movies I would like to see (or at least would never pay to rent but since they are on, what the hell…). Always thinking about what’s next. Yup, that’s me.

The plane is about 80% “American” (or at least they look American to me). The funny thing is that not many of them are staying in Tokyo. After 13 hours they have to catch a connector to somewhere else. That would suck! “How does he know this” you may ask yourself? I had to fill out some kind of visitation card. Name, passport number, country of origin. The funniest part of filling it out was the question “Are you carrying any narcotics with you? Cocaine, Heroin, Opiates, etc.”. I wonder if anyone answers yes?

I was reading an article about Apple and how they innovate. I could draw some comparisons between the way we work and the way Steve Jobs runs Apple. Now I’m not saying we’re as clever as the “Pirates of Silicon Valley”, but when designing new technology, they bounce it around. The designers email the engineers, the engineers talk to the software developers and slowly but surely the concept gets tighter and tighter as they bounce it back and forth until it pops out as a product. Interesting.

One last rambling and then I am done (we’re passing over Sapporo, Japan right now). The guy sitting next to me (who seems to be a nice man) has spent the last 20 minutes lubing up his bare feet. The act of putting lotion on one’s feet in itself is not gross, but when I am 1 ½ away and can smell nothing but lotion, it’s kind of gross. Boy is he rubbing that stuff in right now! Whew! He’s like a crazy lotion man.

Got-sta go, the fasten seatbelt sign just came on. It hasn’t deterred foot lotion man from globbing it on. He’s all the way up to his knees now. Yuck.

Report from the Air Part 2

Well Fantastic Four wasn’t so fantastic. I would give it ¼ out of 5 stars, and that is just because Jessica Alba was in it. It did put me to sleep which is a good thing for two reasons:

The more you’re asleep, the less you are awake thinking about how damn long this flight is.
I’m sure I missed some CGI laden Hollywood blockbuster ending with plenty of explosions and dumb one-liners thrown in. I hate that crap so it was probably for the best.

By looking at my friendly map gadget, it says that we have traveled over 4000 miles. The only problem with that is that we have 2600 more to go. We’re now over the Arctic Ocean in Russian airspace (it looks like we are going to turn soon and head straight south toward Japan). It is kind of crazy how they choose flight plans.

In other acts of boredom I can now say that I have used an airplane restroom. I have plenty of times in my life but have always refrained from using the bathrooms on airplanes. Shy kidneys you know. ;) Now I walk to the bathroom just to prove that I can still walk.

In a mad dash for last minute entertainment before leaving O’Hare I bought the book “Why do Men have Nipples”. While I am proud of the fact that I know this random bit of trivia, this book should add greatly to my repertoire of useless trivia. I think I will read that right now. Bye.

32,000 Feet above Polar Bear Country

The plane has this cool mapping system that lets you watch where we are on our flight path. As I type this, we are currently flying over Churchill, Canada which is on the northwest tip of the Hudson Bay.

I remember watching a documentary about Churchill. About this time each year, polar bears start migrating south and descend upon this town. In order for kids to go trick or treating on Halloween, one person stands at each corner of the block with a shotgun while the kids go by. You see, polar bears are the only animals on Earth that will intentionally seek out humans as their prey. You get swallowed by a crocodile and it was probably a pretty opportunistic croc. Polar bears will actually hunt humans and I’m sure a small child dressed as a seal or sea lion is an extra tasty Halloween treat. J

I just got done watching About a Boy with Hugh Grant. Good movie. 3/5 stars on the Joe “airline movie” scale. Not what I was expecting, but maybe that is good. It is one of those movies that I always pass by at the video store but never pick up.

International business-class travel is definitely a step up from coach. I can put my feet all the way out in front of me without hitting the person sitting in the row ahead. If I were in coach right now, I’d probably need an amputation. ;)

For lunch, I had Boursin stuffed Artichoke hearts (very good). I also took two bites of some raw salmon (bleck!) and shrimp. The main course consisted of Filet Mignon, red potatoes and black bottom pie. A little white wine mixed in and it made a decent dinner.

An observation: You know it is a long flight when they give you a toiletries kit with toothbrush, toothpaste, slippers, socks and earplugs.
Ok, Fantastic Four is on. Joe out.

Stumbling out of the starting block

My first post. Sitting in the "Red Carpet Club" at O'Hare. Enjoying my $6 internet access and "fake" machine made Mocha Latte.

Getting ready to leave was interesting. I picked out 7 DVD's to bring along on the trip only to find out that this notebook only has a CD-ROM. Wee! I'm in store for 13 hours and 10 minutes worth of deep contemplation. They do have movies on the plane (built into your seat). I can watch great movies like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Kicking and Screaming (got a D- rating in Entertainment Weekly), Fantastic Four, Dr. Dolitte, Babe (ya gotta love a pig that can talk) and some other "chick flick" called The Wedding Date. I was going to watch The Matrix Trilogy back-to-back followed by Braveheart and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Now it looks like I am going to get in touch with my softer side. If only they had Under the Tuscan Sky and How Stella got Her Groove back my movie selection would be complete. ;)

I borrowed my Mom and Dad's digital camera for the trip. I had a heckuva time getting it to work (a formatting issue). I took a few pictures of the family and figured that I was all set for my digital travelogue. I took one picture at O'Hare and the battery died. :( To add insult to injury, it was a picture of Toilet instructions. I found it amusing that the company used the word Integrity in their tagline. Do you need integrity in the sanitary toilet seat business? I'll have plenty of time to ponder that one.

I also left my jeans on top of the dryer and forgot to bring my "Fall of Advertising and the Rise of PR" book. Sorry Tim. The real question I have is can I buy clothing in Japan? Do they have pants with anything more than a size 25 leg? We'll see! I'll either find them, or be the crazy american man with capri pants. heh.

Alaina tore at my heart strings last night. Begged me to not go, said she couldn't make it without me. It makes you happy to know that you have such an impact on your children but MAN was that was that hard! Evan was less affected. He just wanted his "Sibby" (sippy cup). Oh well, guys are uncaring bastards aren't they?

Alas it is time for me to go. It would be dumb to sit here typing and then immediately get on my long flight. I think I'm going to go run up and down the escalator (the wrong way) to tire myself out. I should also figure out this whole International Flight thing. My passport picture makes me look like an International pimp or drug smuggler ;) Bye for now!